I am a love addict. It started during childhood. My mum never gave me what I needed. I think she tried to but for one reason or another, I never got what I needed. She was like Mother Mary by day and Satin by night. I fucking hated her and she hated me, it was just the way it was. She also loved me and I loved her. This dynamic has affected all my relationships moving forward. My family of origin destroyed my ability to trust anyone. I have been an addict all my life and this is my story. My childhood was a war zone and I suffer from PTSD.

What Happened in my Family of Origin?

My mum was not available. She was not responsive. I had no security. I learnt to trust no one. There are three types of attachment: secure (mum is there), anxious ambivalent (where the mother was inconsistent and not often available for the infant’s needs thereby teaching the child that the world is not always going to meet their needs) and finally anxious-avoidant (the result of abusive or neglectful caregivers/parents).

Love addiction comes from either anxious-ambivalent or an anxious-avoidant childhood. I think I had both. I spent most of my childhood crying when I should have been laughing. But. I was not. Fucking parents.

What Age Did My Addiction Start?

The most important years are between 0-7. Attachment issues alter the way the brain develops. I have major abandonment issues. The receptors and hormones lead to deficiencies in brain chemistry, which can lead to addiction. This influences self-esteem, expectations of others, and how the person attracts other people and trusts other people. So if the first relationship I had is fucked up, this leads to a series of fucked up relationships. Sadly this is the way addiction works. 

Hollywood also promotes the idea of meeting someone and falling in love. Well, that was the story when I was growing up, now Hollywood is pushing violence and same-sex relationships, the transhumanism agenda. This has led me as a young adult to expect love to be all-consuming releasing high levels of dopamine. Of course, this never lasts. Which means I am always looking for another hit. 

What Kind of Relationship Addicts Are There?

There are a huge amount of love addicts, relationship addicts (will stay even if the relationship is making them unhappy), narcissistic love addicts (use dominance, seduction and withholding to control their partners) and ambivalent love addicts. 

Torch Bearers are addicts who obsess about someone unavailable. This can be done without acting out (suffering in silence) or by pursuing the person they are in love with. Some Torch Bearers are more addicted than others. This kind of addiction feeds on fantasies and illusions. It is also known as unrequited love.

Saboteurs are addicts who destroy relationships when they start to get serious or at whatever point their fear of intimacy comes up. This can be anytime before the first date, after the first date, after sex, after the subject of commitment comes up” whenever.

Seductive Withholders are addicts who always come on to you when they want sex or companionship. When they become frightened or feel unsafe, they begin withholding companionship, sex, affection anything that makes them feel anxious. If they leave the relationship when they become frightened, they are just Saboteurs. If they keep repeating the pattern of being available/unavailable, they are seductive withholders.

Romance Addicts are addicts who are addicted to multiple partners. Romance addicts are often confused with sex addicts. However, unlike sex addicts, who are trying to avoid bonding altogether, romance addicts bond with each of their partners to one degree or another even if the romantic liaisons are short-lived or happening simultaneously. By romance mean sexual passion and pseudo-emotional intimacy. Please note that while romance addicts bond with each of their partners to a degree, their goal (besides getting high off of romance and drama) is to avoid commitment or bonding on a deeper level with one partner.

Is There a Solution Out There for An Addict Like Me?

I have started working on a new programme to help me with my relationships. As always I feel the programme I am working on is the best programme in the world and everyone should be working it. This is true narcissism.

How Do I Get Started with My Recovery?

The first thing to do is to contact a professional and start talking. This can be done for free. Please go here and start the conversation.

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